June 2020

Deborah Horton

Grief Of The Normal

woman sitting while looking lonely

The coronavirus is bringing about all kinds of grief. The grief of losing people is tremendously heavy. The grief of separation is isolating.

The grief of the normal. Of your normal. The grief of what is missing.
It is okay to be sad.

Grief is like an unpredictable ocean as I have written in the past. The waves come and go across our hearts and minds. Sometimes, the waves are small and almost imperceptible.

Other times they are massive and threaten to drown us with their weight.
We are now grieving the normal. The normal of going to the coffee shop with a friend and chatting about our lives.

The normal of grocery shopping without fear or restriction.

The normal of going to work or school in our everyday routines.

The normal of gathering for birthdays and holidays and yes, deaths and funerals.

The normal of reaching out to shake someone’s hand or hug someone as a greeting or goodbye.

The normal of book clubs and poker nights.

The normal of sporting events from tee-ball to professional.

The normal of meetings in person and lunches with friends.

The normal of sleepovers and playdates.

The normal of weekend trips and long-planned vacations.

The normal of going to the movies.

The normal dinner reservations at your favorite restaurant.

The normal of living.

We find these waves coming on us unexpectedly. Where we start to cry out of nowhere. Where we feel sad and lack motivation. Where we feel angry and want to lash out.

It is okay to feel this grief. It is necessary to acknowledge it and to acknowledge what we are grieving for.

It is also necessary not to live there. It is important to not let this ocean drown us.

Just as the waves of the ocean, we can acknowledge and feel the waves and then we can watch them go back out to sea.

We can say to ourselves. Yes, I feel this way, right now. But right now will not be forever. The waves will go back out to sea.

And normal will return at some point. Changed for some, the same for others. But these waves will return to the sea.

Just like the waves in the ocean come and go, no challenge is permanent. Change is the constant in human existence, nothing remains the same forever.

Deborah Horton

Self Care Is Not Selfish

self care isn t selfish signage

Many times during sessions when I work with clients on the importance of self-care, they respond that they feel doing things for themselves is selfish. Self-care is never selfish, it is essential for your mental and physical health.

Some people have never considered self-care at all. Through their own traumas and negative beliefs they have been taught about themselves, they feel that they must always be taking care of others.

Smoothing over any chaos or anger in others to keep the peace. Making other people happy so more trauma doesn’t happen.

Many times people who have suffered trauma feel that they must always say yes to everyone around them to keep them happy. Again, to keep the peace, avoid more trauma.

And then there are those who are codependent feeling they must ensure others are taken care of, especially those who do not take care of themselves such as people with addictions. People can feel that they are responsible for everyone else to make sure they are safe but provide no safety for themselves.

In many relationships, when people do attempt self-care, others can make them feel selfish and even tell them that they are being selfish and thinking only of themselves. Toxic and abusive relationships are filled with those who will make others feel badly for wanting to take care of themselves or wanting to change their lives.

Self-care is absolutely imperative for your own mental and physical health. If you do not take care of yourself, you will be worn down in your mind and your body. You will constantly feel worn out.

Not practicing self-care can lead to depression, anxiety, anger, and physical illness. You cannot pour anything into others from an empty cup. Self-care is essential to filling your own cup.

To have a cup to pour from you must fill yours first. It is not selfish, it is self love. And self love is always the right thing to do.

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. ~ Buddha

Until next time,
Deborah

Deborah Horton

Do What You Can Where You Are

women holding hands

In the last couple of weeks, I have had many clients coming in with the same question – what can I do to make change in racial issues in the world?

I usually start by talking about how looking at these issues on a world scale can be very overwhelming. There are so many facets that have an impact on these issues all over the world. To think about it in a global way only leads to feeling helpless and hopeless.

So what can you do? You can do what you can where you are. In your city or town, in your school or workplace, in your state or region. These are things that you can do to affect change.

But where do I get started? Many communities and other aspects of different states and countries have a variety of options for those who wish to be part of making change in their society.

There are organizations for discussion and planning. There are organizations for understanding and learning. There are organizations for legislation and government. There are organizations for political candidates. They are organizations for schools and colleges. There are organizations associated with the workplace.

You can reach out to national organizations about starting a branch in your community if there is something you would like to see offered.

If your community does not have a lot of these options, then you can find like-minded individuals around you and start some yourself. Every organization starts with a few people who are passionate about a cause and you can be that starter.

If we look at things in more manageable sizes they do not seem so overwhelming. When we are able to do things in smaller chunks we can find that we do not feel helpless or hopeless. We feel involved and productive.

If you go to a protest in your community or make a sign and stand on the sidewalk at your house or you wear a tee shirt when you are out running errands or you become involved in organizations in your community or you start an organization. These are the smaller chunks of things that you can do where you are. If you add each one together they become something bigger touching more people.

Change on a large scale starts with change on a small scale – a single person’s mind and heart spread to another and another. Can you change everyone’s mind? No, but you might change one persons or several people with words and/or action.

If you have been asking some of these questions – do what you can where you are.

Until next time,
Deborah

Deborah Horton

Informed Versus Overloaded

technology computer display text

I have written about self-care a lot over the years as I feel it is one of the most important things we can do to manage our mental health. Sometimes our self-care does not always include managing the amount of information we take in about what is happening in our society.

In times of crisis, the amount of information we can expose ourselves to is seemingly unlimited. Every news outlet, social media platform, radio, television, anything that can contain information is running nonstop 24 hours a day seven days a week. There is no end to the continuous river of information.

While we need to have some information to be aware of what is happening around us, overload is something we choose to engage in. We can read a single article about an event or we can read hours worth of articles about the same event from multiple sources.

We choose how much of the information we consume. And how we choose determines how much of the information consumes our mental health.

Some days, consuming any information may not be the best self-care. There are some days where we are better off not being informed at that moment about all the crises surrounding us. Sometimes, self-care is choosing not to be informed at that moment. And that is okay.

If we do choose to be informed, monitoring our intake is vitally important. Overloading ourselves with too much information can result in emotional and physical symptoms.

Too much information can result in sadness, anger, fear, and anxiety that can translate into headaches, fatigue, insomnia, nightmares, hypervigilance and more. We can be short tempered with others or oppositely we can want to withdraw and isolate ourselves to escape.

We have to be deliberate in our management of the information we consume. We must set limits for our time spent in consumption of this information. It can be difficult when every screen, broadcast, and radio program have more of this same information we are trying to limit.

Then perhaps we need to separate ourselves from these sources of information. Having information free days can enormously benefit your mental health especially in times of crisis.

Making sure that you are informed but not overloaded in this age of unending information availability is vital to your mental health.

Until next time,
Deborah

Deborah Horton

Regrets Have One Purpose

text on shelf

Regrets should only ever serve one purpose in our lives. To help us learn something and make changes for future decisions.

Many of us go through life filled with regrets. The should have, would have, could have thoughts dominating our thoughts. The what ifs and I wish thoughts consuming our minds.

These thoughts generally only lead to one place. Negative feelings about ourselves and negative thoughts that come with those feelings. We can sink into the quicksand of self blame and living in the past.

If we allow ourselves to have regrets at all, we should be sure that coupled with the should, would, could, what if and I wish we have the what can I do differently going forward. How can I work to not repeat this choice or behavior in the future.

This is truly the only positive purpose of regrets in our lives.

We should also strive to have very few regrets. Regrets are a result of an inability to accept what has already occurred. To know that there is no changing the past and that living there does nothing to move us forward.

But we are human and as such we will sometimes have regrets that make their way into our daily thoughts. These are the ones that need to serve a purpose. A path to knowing better so we do better.

when we know better, we can choose to do better.

Regrets can be all consuming if we fall into their negativity and wishing we could change the past mentality. We can find ourselves stuck in wanting to undo what has been done. Beating ourselves up for choices and decisions we made at the time. Feeling as if we are a failure every day after these choices are made.

We only fail when we do not learn. We can turn regrets into success by knowing our regrets and doing better when we have the choice now.

You do not have to live in a world of regret and self blame. Learn, grow, know better, do better.

Every regret is a chance to learn something and apply that lesson to our lives going forward.