August 2021

Deborah Horton

Still Not Normal

Photo by Isabella and Zsa Fischer on Unsplash

So many of my clients and myself as well had high hopes at the beginning of summer this year that the fall would bring much needed normalcy to school going and to life. We have, once again, been bitterly disappointed.

Cases here were fairly minimal at the beginning of summer. We had no mandates of any kind here. People were free to get out and enjoy their summer. And enjoy it they did in record numbers to our state parks and festivals.

The cases did not start to increase with this newfound freedom. Most people were outside with distance and likely not spreading the virus as much. Only about half the population of my state is fully vaccinated. We are very rural in so much of the state and have very few people who live here only one million people in the entire state.

The cases started to creep up very slowly as summer went on. As we got closer to the start of the school year, they started creeping up even more. We now average as of this writing about 350 cases a day in the entire state that are new. We have very low death numbers in the single digits most days and our hospitalizations are about 200 with COCVID for the entire state currently.

The public school districts in the bigger towns and cities and by bigger I mean more than 25,000 people, have implemented masking all day in schools. Last year at the end of the year there were no mask mandates here. Sporting events are having limited spectators, two per athlete. No assemblies at the schools. Those not wearing masks, students and teachers are not being allowed in schools where there are mandates. In smaller communities there are no mandates here.

There will be no school dances, no homecoming parades, and if athletes have a rise in the number of cases there will be no sports. If this goes on into next year there will be no prom, no graduation in person and on and on it goes.

My school age clients are suffering emotionally from the constant loss of normalcy in their lives. Things that those who will graduate this school year have worked 12 years to be able to do and experience. School constantly being disrupted with quarantining and education that is constantly interrupted making learning and retention very difficult. Plus all the social disruptions.

It is very hard to help clients work through this as it is not something they can have control over this loss of normalcy. It is what it is. So we try and work through the emotional parts of it working on acceptance of what is and letting go of things we cannot control and will not be able to have.

I see anger, frustration, sadness, and grief. Lots and lots of grief. And for grief there is nothing but going through the process that continues to be present day after day after day. There seems to be no moving on from it because it just keeps coming in waves and waves.

Unfortunately, this is not a blog about how one can manage this lack of normalcy. It is about how we just keep going. Acceptance, letting go, and keeping on walking. Grief in an ongoing process just keep walking.

No situation ever stays the same. Change is constant.

And we have to hope that one day this too will change for the better and normal can come back to our lives once more.

Until next time be well, Deborah

Deborah Horton

Laugh Out Loud

Photo by Fabian Keller on Unsplash

Laughter is the best medicine.

Humor has a magical way of getting humans through some of the most dire times in their lives. A little humor can go a long way towards alleviating anxiety, sadness, fear, and grief that we may feel.

Sometimes, finding the humor in a particularly dreadful situation can stop our downfall into the rabbit holes of despair. A little humor can lift us up if only for a short time providing a brief respite from whatever trial we are suffering at the moment.

Laughter releases chemicals into the brain and there are many therapeutic benefits of laughter on mental health. Laughter swaps cortisol in our system with oxytocin, dopamine, and endorphins. Cortisol is the chemical created when we are under stress. Definitely not the good feeling chemicals that laughter produces.

Dopamine can enhance learning, motivation, and attention. It also increases happiness through the motivation and reward cycle of releasing feel good hormones into the brain and body. Laugh at something or with someone and your brain and body is rewarded with feeling good, happy, motivated and attentive.

Oxytocin is the “empathy hormone” or a bonding chemical. It creates feelings of relatedness or connectedness in the bloodstream. It brings us closer to others. Laughter does the same thing. It connects us with others through shared experiences of things that we find funny together. Successful marriages are often filled with shared humor, which brings people closer together.

Endorphins trigger feelings of pleasure. Endorphins can increase immune functioning, relieve stress, improve cardiovascular health, reduce anxiety, make one feel safer, and improve mood.

Laughter can also work to cause the limbic system to reappraise feelings of fight or flight. It can also if used before some expected experience of pain say getting a shot it can increase our ability to tolerate pain. Laughter is a reset button of sorts. In moments of sadness, anxiety, or fear we can laugh, really laugh and the brain relaxes its response.

The best laughter that releases the most good chemicals is the good old belly laugh. Ones where you are crying tears of happiness, your face hurts, and your belly muscles get a workout. It’s like a super shot of happiness espresso to your brain and body.

Laughing with others is a lot easier especially when the other person provides something to laugh about. But what about when you are alone and need a good chemical pick me up? What makes you laugh? Really laugh? Is it movies, TV shows, funny videos? Use what makes you laugh if you need a pick me up and laugh away all by yourself!

Lough out loud. By yourself or with others. Most people when they see or hear other people laughing they laugh too, it’s the same with smiles. Laughter is contagious and very, very good medicine.

Find your funny often. The benefits for your brain and body are tremendous and the affects it can have on your mental heath are amazing.

Laugh out loud – a lot.

Until next time be well,

Deborah

Deborah Horton

Stop Saying Sorry

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

Are you an over-apologizer?

Do you say you are sorry constantly? For everything. Not just when you have actually done something wrong but when someone just makes you feel like you have?

Someone makes a comment about something you say or do or wear and you apologize for it as if it is some offense you have caused by being yourself. As if the things you enjoy are somehow wrong because the other person does not like them or makes fun of them.

Let’s say your significant other states that they would like some space in the relationship and you say sorry as if you have caused this distress. They are the one that made the request and you took it as your responsibility.

Usually when someone has an over-apologizer trait they have some conditioned belief that they are the cause of other people’s distress or unhappiness. Usually learned in early childhood when a primary caregiver makes them feel that they are in some ways wrong.

Many times this is reinforced in school by peers who tease and bully and even those who we call friends and are in relationships with can make us feel that our choices are wrong we should be ashamed of them. In doing so, we become ashamed of ourselves and have no confidence in what we enjoy or look like.

Differences are more than okay they are necessary for a diverse society. If you want to change your hair every week do it. If you want to wear cosplay to school do it. If you want to listen to KPop do it. If someone is talking about how they feel do not take responsibility for it.

Instead of saying sorry, say thank you or some other positive response. If someone tells you they do not like KPop while you are listening to it, say I find it fun and entertaining. If someone makes fun of what you are wearing, say thank you for noticing my outfit I think it looks fantastic. If someone talks about your hair and/or makeup say thank you for noticing I love trying new things it makes me happy.

If you are late say thank you for waiting for me. If you are trying to explain something to someone and feel like you are not making sense say thank you for listening to me not sorry I sound so crazy. If you need to ask for help do not say sorry I am so bad at this say thank you for helping me today.

Do not pile more negatives on yourself. Do not apologize for who you are and what you like.

Turn your negatives into positives and carry on being yourself and be bold in it. Stop saying sorry.

Deborah Horton

Red Flag Warning

Photo by Gabriella Clare Marino on Unsplash

People will always show you who they are. The problem is that we do not always heed the warnings.

Red flags never fail to present themselves. People may think they are able to hide who they really are, but it really is not possible. Who people are is so ingrained in their being that it will always show in some way to others.

Some warnings are subtle and are far easier to miss. Especially if we are not paying attention. Some are giant and waving right in our faces and we see them. These red flags we choose to ignore.

Why would we do that? Ignore warning signs about people? In my experience, it is almost always done through a trauma response that has left an internalized belief in our brains.

For example, someone shows you a red flag of not respecting boundaries. But due to a trauma response that makes us believe we are supposed to keep the peace or make other people happy, we allow them to cross those boundaries and every one that follows.

What if someone shows you a red flag of threatening to leave all the time if they do not get what they want. But due to a trauma response that makes us believe if they leave we will always be alone and no one else will love us, we stay in the relationship doing anything they want just so they will stay also.

If someone shows you a red flag of substance abuse ONCE. But due to a trauma response of codependence from childhood trauma with the same experiences, we stay so that we can take care of them and make sure they do not die. And they do it again and again and again and we feel we cannot leave because they might die and we would be responsible.

If someone shows you a red flag of abuse (physical, mental, verbal, sexual) ONCE. But due to a trauma response from past abuse that makes us believe we are responsible and that it is our fault, we accept that we deserve it and we do not leave or seek help and they do it again and again.

Red flags can also be more subtle such as gaslighting, manipulation, poor anger management, controlling ways, and focusing on themselves. These are sometimes harder to spot when they first start to appear, but they are still red flags and are noticeable if we are paying attention.

And herein lies the problem. Because of our trauma responses, we can start new relationships in this response space and are unable to see what is in front of us due to what is inside of us. Our internalized beliefs that are based in our own unresolved trauma can blind us to the truth. They can make it where we unable to recognize it and also unable to accept it and let go of the relationship immediately.

We can go months and years without acknowledging what is right in front of us. Even if other people see it and point it out to us over and over, we will still deny and refuse to really look at what is happening to us. Our trauma prevents it. And sometimes even when we do start processing why we stay in bad relationships, the fear of leaving still keeps us trapped.

I believe that most people sense red flags from the very beginning and they just move past them. If only we could ask ourselves questions about these sensations we might avoid a lot of hurt and trauma later.