July 2020

Deborah Horton

Growth Is Painful

young boy in jacket holding white flower pot
Photo by Anna Shvets on Pexels.com

Growth is painful. Change, transition, metamorphosis, becoming can all be painful. Moving from who you were to who you want to be can be uncomfortable for you and for others. But growth is the only way to survive and thrive.

Anything that remains stagnant or stuck in place will die eventually. If we remain as we have always been doing the same things reacting in the same ways, we will never grow. And we will certainly never thrive.

If you planted a seed and it stayed in the soil as a seed, eventually it would decay and die in the soil. If you stay in the same place of trauma responses, anxiety, depression, anger – you will not grow, you will not thrive.

But growth is uncomfortable. It causes us to change our responses and this causes others to respond to us differently. Some will respond with encouragement and kindness while others will respond with anger and blame because we are no longer doing what they want us to do.

Growth is painful because it may cause you to lose relationships that are toxic and you may even be alone, for a while. Growth is painful because it takes time and energy to transform ourselves into something new.

Growth is painful because it may cause you changes in where and how you live, where you work, what your goals are, and the things you have to let go of in order to grow. Growth can be scary and yet, it is also beautiful.

To truly thrive, growth is a continual process. Always changing, always learning, always becoming the person you want to be, the person that makes you happy.

In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or to step back into safety. ~ Abraham Maslow

Until next time,
Deborah

Deborah Horton

Resilience

resilience

A great many people in the world have suffered from childhood trauma. A study in 1995 by the CDC and Kaiser Permanente studied the rates of childhood trauma and the correlation of that trauma and the increase in adulthood of physical, mental, and emotional issues.

The ACEs questionnaire was developed out of this study. (Click the link to find out your ACEs score) There are 10 questions with five related to personal trauma and five related to household trauma. Of the 17,000 people in the study, 87 percent had more than one ACEs (Adverse Childhood Events). Later studies in the US showed that as many as 12% of the people in 36 states had suffered more than four ACEs.

Conversely, the resilience questionnaire was developed in 2006 an revised in 2013 in the belief that people who had a higher ACEs score and then a higher resiliency score might possibly be protected from negative outcomes later in life. Resilience is defined as the capacity to recover from difficulties; toughness.

There has been some controversy over both tests especially in the beliefs that ALL people with high ACEs scores will have adverse negative affects in adulthood or that ALL people with correlating high resiliency scores will not have adverse affects later in life.

Every person is different, every brain is different, every person’s experiences are different and outcomes will not be the same for everyone. However, there is evidence that those with high ACEs scores and low resiliency scores can experience adverse negative effects (physical illness, mental illness, and emotional trauma) in adulthood.

So what is your resiliency score? Here is the questionnaire:

RESILIENCE Questionnaire

Please choose the most accurate answer under each statement:

1. I believe that my mother loved me when I was little.

Definitely true Probably true Not sure Probably Not True Definitely Not True

2. I believe that my father loved me when I was little.

Definitely true Probably true Not sure Probably Not True Definitely Not True

3. When I was little, other people helped my mother and father take care of me and they seemed to love me.

Definitely true Probably true Not sure Probably Not True Definitely Not True

4. I’ve heard that when I was an infant someone in my family enjoyed playing with me, and I enjoyed it, too.

Definitely true Probably true Not sure Probably Not True Definitely Not True

5. When I was a child, there were relatives in my family who made me feel better if I was sad or worried.

Definitely true Probably true Not sure Probably Not True Definitely Not True

6. When I was a child, neighbors or my friends’ parents seemed to like me.
Definitely true Probably true Not sure Probably Not True Definitely Not True

7. When I was a child, teachers, coaches, youth leaders or ministers were there to help me.

Definitely true Probably true Not sure Probably Not True Definitely Not True

8. Someone in my family cared about how I was doing in school.

Definitely true Probably true Not sure Probably Not True Definitely Not True

9. My family, neighbors and friends talked often about making our lives better.

Definitely true Probably true Not sure Probably Not True Definitely Not True

10. We had rules in our house and were expected to keep them.

Definitely true Probably true Not sure Probably Not True Definitely Not True

11. When I felt really bad, I could almost always find someone I trusted to talk to.

Definitely true Probably true Not sure Probably Not True Definitely Not True

12. As a youth, people noticed that I was capable and could get things done.

Definitely true Probably true Not sure Probably Not True Definitely Not True

13. I was independent and a go-getter.

Definitely true Probably true Not sure Probably Not True Definitely Not True

14. I believed that life is what you make it.

Definitely true Probably true Not sure Probably Not True Definitely Not True

Again, both the ACEs and the resilience questionnaire are guidelines for further exploration and conversation. Both can be used in therapy to help address past trauma and strengthening resilience.

If you have a higher ACEs score it may be helpful to seek out and work with a trauma-informed trained therapist to process your childhood trauma to reduce adverse negative affects they may be having in your life now.

Remember, there is always help, hope, and healing available.

Until next time,
Deborah

Deborah Horton

Face Your Fear

reflection of woman s eye on broken mirror
Photo by Ismael Sanchez on Pexels.com

Everything around us seems to be in chaos. We feel sad and we cry. We feel anger and we seethe. We think we are sad or angry. We tell people we are sad and angry.

What we are is full of fear.

Fear is quite often the driving force behind every other emotion we THINK we have. Fear is stronger than sadness, stronger than anger. It is the strongest, most motivating emotion we humans possess. It just hides out as other things because it is much easier to say we are sad or mad than we are afraid.

Ask yourself, what am I afraid of right now? What do I fear happening to me or others I care about? What am I so scared of that it makes me sad or mad?

At the core of our emotional states, we find fear.

We are so sad about how Covid has changed our lives. We cry about it. We are also mad about how it affects everything around us. What are we really feeling? Fear.

We fear getting it or others we love getting it. We fear dying and others dying. We fear feeling as if it will never end. We fear never being normal again. We fear not being able to work or losing our jobs. We fear not having supplies that we need.

We fear.

Civil rights, racial equality, police issues, political climate, protests, and all that surrounds can make some people think they are sad and some think they are angry. At the core, they all fear something.

We fear.

Recognizing disguised fear is important. It allows us to acknowledge the truth of what we are feeling and the truth of why. It is okay to be afraid. Emotions are part of us. But what will we do with that fear once we recognize it for what it is? How will we respond to it? How will we let it control what we do?

It is not our emotions that are the problem, it is what we do after the emotion both to ourselves and to others. Fear, unrecognized, can turn into great suffering.

What are you afraid of right now? Write it down, confront it, know it and then start to think how you can respond to it. Some fears we have no control over, but recognizing we have no control IS a response. We cannot control a virus or make it disappear. What can we do? How can we protect ourselves and others as best we can.

We cannot solve global racism. But we can do things in our own communities, our own hearts and minds, to affect change. What is our response to fear?

Fear can decide your life if you allow it. Fear can decide your emotions. Fear can decide your responses. Or you can know it for what it is and decide for yourself.

Until next time,
Deborah

Deborah Horton

Right Now

life is now neon signage
Photo by Elly Fairytale on Pexels.com

I am reposting this piece as I think a lot of people are currently struggling with this due to fears of the future surrounding coronavirus case increases.

Most people and their minds spend time in two places – the past and the present. Very few, spend time in the right now. Even when they think they are in the right now, what they are thinking, feeling, and doing is informed by their continued issues with the past or their fear of the future.


The right now is rarely separated out, alone, to become their focus, their only focus.

When we feel overwhelmed it is usually because we have allowed events, feelings, memories of the past to “infect” our present. We have not processed these things and we continue to carry them with us making them our reality. They all have a starting place usually not one of our own making but we make them our truths. And we are convinced that everything we are experiencing right now is a result of the past.

We unpack the bags we carry all that stuff in and start attaching the stuff to everything going on in our lives. Sometimes consciously sometimes unconsciously. It just becomes who we are.


We become accustomed to the pain of things and afraid to live our lives without it.

We also pretend we are psychic and can see into the future. We predict the outcome of everything that is happening to us. We make it bigger, more scary, more upsetting. We go to worst case scenarios. We believe our lives will always be the way they are now.

We predict everything including death as we make catastrophes at every moment of our lives. And we believe that this future we create is actually going to happen as if we have some magic machine to make it so.


Guess what? We don’t and we can’t. It’s all made up.

What if we lived in the right now? With nothing added. Trimmed down to the barest essence of this moment. How would we change our stress or depression or anger? In any moment ask yourself the following:

What am I feeling right now? Name it, acknowledge it, examine it, do not grow it, entertain it, live in it. Do not make it about the past or future. If you are upset, why right now are you upset, what happened exactly right now? What can you do about it, anything,nothing? Let it go.

What am I doing right now? Standing, sitting, walking, driving, working. Name it, describe it, notice it. Notice your senses right now what do you see, smell, touch, taste, hear right now.

Breathe slowly. In through the nose out through the mouth. Breathe in hold for 4 seconds then breathe out for 7 seconds. Notice the breathe, notice your body, notice your feelings.


Do not unpack the baggage of the past or predict the future. Stay in the right now.

We suffer first because of what we experience due to either our own choices or the choices of others. We experience suffering thereafter because of the way we live in the past and predict the future. We extend our own suffering and become used to it, sometimes even comfortable with it. We can even become afraid not to have it because we feel we deserve to be angry, sad, scared in order to be who we have come to be.


If we let that go, who will we be then without it?

If you want to find out who that person is, live in the now. Only the right now. Once you do that, it is easier to look at the past objectively and work through it and it is easier to see a future that is a blank slate waiting for you to write on it.

Live right now.

Until next time,
Deborah