Hold The Line

boundaries

Setting boundaries is one of the hardest things for people to do, especially people with trauma history. Many times, people do not feel that they can set boundaries as they want to do everything they can to make sure everyone else is okay and that everyone else is happy at the expense of their own feelings or needs or rights.

Also, the need to make other people okay or happy starts early, very early usually when people are still young children to win their parents love or attention. By the time most people realize that they are giving others everything and themselves nothing, the need to give up their needs and rights has become automatic. It is then very difficult to start setting those boundaries. It feels uncomfortable, even wrong. People react very badly to it. It is hard, very hard to do. But like anything else in life, it is repetition and reinforcement.

In order to start setting your boundaries you have to ask yourself what are your rights. What are your rights as a human being? The right to be respected as an individual, the right to make your own choices, the right to be find happiness for yourself, the right to manage your own life, the right to say no. Even these can be hard questions to answer for those who have not had boundaries most of their lives.

Start with one question that you answer, let’s say it is the right to make your own choices. Based on this, you then start making your own choices and then holding the line as you confront your own doubts that you can do it and the push back from others who are wondering why you are doing it now when you never have before. You will have to hold the line against opposition and against the negative thoughts in your own mind. And again, it is a daily, sometimes every minute repetition and reinforcement that this is your right and that it is okay for you to do it.

Most of the people who have known you a long time and have been able to treat you in certain ways all your life and have you respond to their needs and demands in certain ways all your life will not be happy that you are now setting these boundaries. They will in fact question why you are doing this. They will in fact look for reasons why so that they can blame this on someone or something else because you certainly cannot do this on your own. They will take it personally that you are not giving them what they want as you always have done and that it must because you don’t love them anymore. This will be your hardest task in holding the line.

Being healthy requires that you consider yourself, your needs, your rights, your emotions on the same level as you do for other people, maybe even more so. If you are not taking care of yourself helping others will drain you of your energy, your health, your emotions and there will be nothing left with which to support yourself. And as long as you are giving all to others they will continue to drain you dry and expect you to continue giving them what they need and want.

Define your rights. Be assertive. Learn to say no. Protect your space. Hold your line. By doing this you will find for yourself better self esteem, conserving your emotional energy, and be more independent. Hold your line.

Until next time,
Deborah

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Boundaries

Setting and maintaining boundaries is one of the most difficult things for many people to do. Most of the time, it is because they have been taught by others that having boundaries is wrong. Why would anyone want someone else to feel that setting boundaries is wrong? Because they benefit from the other person NOT setting boundaries as it gives them whatever they want from that person without resistance. That is also why those very same people are the most angry and upset when we decide to put boundaries in place where there have been none.

As we are taught to believe that we have to please others in order to gain their love and friendship, we are taught to believe that we have to always say yes to them. Always be doing things FOR them. Always be giving of our time, our money, our feelings, our effort to make them happy so that they will care about us. This is a false relationship. What they care about is what you are doing for them, giving them, allowing them to take from you….it is not you the individual that they care about.

We can have no boundaries for years of our lives. We can come to believe that this is how we have to live. We can come to believe that this is necessary for any relationship we have. All the while, we are pouring from our cup until there is nothing left in the cup for ourselves. We are drained, tired, angry, sad, and empty in our efforts to fill the cups of others.

To examine your own personal boundaries have a look at this set of questions BoundarySigns Take some time to really think about and answer these questions. Think about all of your relationships from early in your life forward. What do your boundaries look like and why do they look that way?

After you have spent some time examining your boundaries and why they are the way they are, sit down and really think about your life priorities. Some examples of priorities are Work, Family, Health, Relationships, Recreation, Self-Care, Personal Growth, or Sports. There may be others that are priorities for you. Once you have your priorities, write down how you can focus on those for yourself not others. Again, for yourself and not others.

Doing these two things will provide you with more clarity about the state of your boundaries and what is really important to you. Then, you have to implement the changes necessary to start maintaining the boundaries necessary for your priorities to be realities.

Until next time,
Deborah

Growth Hurts

growth

Growing is a painful process. Change hurts. Fear of both keeps us stuck.

We fear the unknown. The situations that we have experienced in the past and the situations in which we currently allow ourselves to live – are familiar. We know them. We know what they will cost us. What we have to give up to stay in them. What we have to tell ourselves to be in them. These are things we know and so we do not fear them. Change and growth on the other hand are things we know nothing about and we are terrified of them.

If we grow what happens? What will change in our lives? Will it be better or worse than what we have now? Will we be alone – lose our relationships or our family members if we change or grow? What will this growth cost us?

There are no easy answers to those questions. There is no way to know what will happen. I am not sure there is even a way to stop the fear of growing and changing. But there are some other questions you can ask that may have an answer.

Are you happy reliving the past? Are you happy in the present? Do you want to keep living in the trauma of the past or the trauma of the present? Can you see yourself in the same place in a year, 5 years, 10 years? Do you want to continue to live the way you are living? Is a different life worth the risk of the pain of growth and change and the risk that you may lose people in the process?

Only by honestly answering these questions can we begin to pursue change and growth which is a process. Growth and change are not immediate. It takes time. Each person’s time is different. It is often painful. It is hard and we often want to give up because the familiar is so much easier, we think.

Do you want change and growth and what cost are you willing to pay for it?

Until next time,
Deborah

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What Is Your Brain Growing?

The subconscious mind, which runs 95 percent of our lives, takes everything literally. Just as you say it. Just as you believe it. Regardless of whether it is true, the subconscious mind takes these things as fact. Once you put them into your mind and then allow them to plant themselves there, they will grow roots and spread just like weeds.

Is your mind full of weeds? If you find that you have negative automatic thoughts that constantly repeat and repeat in your mind, then the answer is likely yes. Mind weeds are the plants we allow to grow, have roots and spread and then they are always there.

These mind weeds can be the truth or they can be things we have told ourselves are true. If you question your automatic thoughts, you will find that many of them are not true. But the subconscious mind believes them. Sometimes our mind weeds can be so thick we cannot see what the real truth anymore. We come to think that we cannot get rid of them.

However, just as they appeared they can be replaced. And just as they took root with being repeated and repeated, we can repeatedly address them and replace them until they are changed. Pulling the weeds out one by one.

Just like we talk to the plants we grow in our houses and yards to help them flourish, we can talk to the weeds in our mind to remove them.

Until next time,
Deborah

Self-Talk: Change Your Mind, Change Your Life

Circles

Allowing what other people think, do, and say to affect your life. This is something that almost everyone I’ve ever talked to does. Their perception of their lives of their very beliefs about who they are exist because they have allowed someone in their circles to affect them.

We all have circles of people in our lives. From the most inner to the almost unseen. In the most inner, most people have immediate family, a spouse or significant other, parents, children. The next circle is other family, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins. The next would be close friends, the very close, which is generally a smaller number of people. The next circle is other friends, not close, but still friends. The next would be people you might call friends, but they are just really people you know and this might include co-workers or classmates or bosses or teachers. The next circle are people you don’t really know but they know people you do know, satellites I call them. The next circle are people you see regularly like the person who makes your latte, or at the register at the grocery store. The next is people you don’t know at all, strangers. If we allow it, any one of the people in these circles can affect the way we view ourselves.

With the inner most circle it can be very difficult to not allow what they do, say or think to affect our lives. We spend a great deal of time with them, we have emotional bonds with them, we very often are seeking their approval. It can be very difficult to believe differently about ourselves if the person we care for most, such as our mothers or our children, tell us we are not good enough or they don’t really love us. But it is not impossible, with understanding and work.

As the circle grows wider, we can let others who mean far, far less in our lives have the same kind of impact on us. A stranger making a comment in the grocery store line can be enough for us to allow ourselves to believe what they are saying is true. But why do we allow the thoughts of all of these circles to matter to us?

Who in your circles actually has any real control over who you are and what you do? Who decides what grades you get? Who decides what job you apply for? Who decides what you eat? Who decides where you live? Who decides anything that you do or how you do it? If it is always someone else, why do you allow that? If it is you, why does anything anyone else say, do or think matter?

What other people do, think, or say matters because we allow it to matter. What do you allow to matter in your life, in your mind, in your heart?

Until next time,
Deborah

I am now accepting new clients (adolescent girls and women) for counseling. To schedule a FREE Initial Consultation call 406-413-9904 or email mindfulmontanawellness@gmail.com

Reborn

reborn

The definition of reborn is a rebirth, regenerated, revived, born again. Many times through the process of therapy, people can feel reborn. They can feel as if they have had a rebirth. They can feel as if they have been regenerated or revived. In letting their past come into the light, then die (in the processing of it and removing it’s power over them), they are reborn.

In therapy, I use a visual of how each of us starts out when we are born. We are complete and without holes (or damage). We have not experienced the things which will affect what we think and how we feel. As we experience these things, we develop holes (or damage) and we become unstable. If we do not process this damage, we have more and more of it resulting in more and more holes. With enough holes, we become unstable and fall apart into pieces of ourselves. The pieces fall all over the place and are not easy to find and pick back up. However, with therapy, work, and processing, they can be picked up and put back together. And we can be reborn, as we were with our holes (damage) repaired.

With each piece that is picked up, brought into the light, acknowledged, processed, and then let die. Each time we do that, we are reborn. Bit by bit, we regain who we were before all the holes. We become again who we truly are or were and are again. But it is not without work and going through the trauma of your past. You cannot let die that which you will not acknowledge.

Being reborn, just like Spring, signifies letting go of that which has died off over the winter and replacing it with new life. We can experience the very same thing in our mental health, which translates to our physical health. What we let live in the brain represents in the body. Every trauma, every emotion associated with the trauma becomes present in our physical bodies as pain, sickness, disease. When we are reborn in our emotions, we are regenerated in our body. We experience a rebirth each time our trauma and our emotions no longer dictate our thoughts and choices.

Just as Spring and the season of Easter, we can be regenerated, be revived. We can be reborn.

Until next time,
Deborah

I am now accepting new clients (girls and women) for counseling. If you would like to schedule an appointment for a FREE consultation, please call 406-413-9904 or email mindfulmontanawellness@gmail.com

It’s Never About You

notaboutyou

Miguel Ruiz in his amazing book The Four Agreements wrote that the second agreement is “Don’t Take Anything Personally.” In my work, I would say that this should be rule number one. I believe by what people suffer with on a daily basis that almost all of it is caused by believing what other people say and do or don’t say or don’t do is about them. As Ruiz wrote, once people become immune to the opinions and actions of others they will not be a victim of needless suffering.

This also seems to be the hardest thing for people to do – become immune to what other people say or do or don’t say or do. Because we are conditioned, even genetically made, to seek out relationships with other people, we consistently do that at the expense of our own needs and discount our beliefs about ourselves. In fact, we take what others believe about us and make those our beliefs. We do it so often that eventually we think these beliefs are what we believe. They become our reality.

Nothing anyone ever says or does is about you. Nothing they don’t say or don’t do is about you. Every word or action that comes from someone else is about them. Even if they say “You are ______.” That is what THEY think you are. You can only make that true if you believe it and if you begin living your life as whatever they think you are. If you don’t believe it and you don’t do it, you cannot be whatever it is. People can say anything they want or do anything they want that does not mean you have to turn that into who you are. That is a choice. A choice to believe what they believe instead of what you know.

If people say you are stupid, ugly, fat, worthless or they treat you badly or like a doormat and you accept those things as true about yourself those beliefs become who you are. You will live as if you are stupid or ugly or fat or worthless or that you should always be treated badly or as a doormat. And you will suffer needlessly.

People constantly question why they feel the way they do and the answer is simple. It is because you believe the things other people say or do are about you and that you then accept them as true. Without questioning and without requiring proof, these things are accepted as fact. Because my mother or father or sibling or significant other or friend or even stranger said (fill in the blank) or did (fill in the blank) it has to be true. No it does not have to be true. People say and do things because of what they feel or think, because of what they want to make you feel or think, because of the experiences they have had that have made them behave in certain ways towards others – not one of these things is about you – not a single one.

What do you, only you, think about yourself and did those thoughts start with you or someone else? Search your life and ask yourself, when did I start thinking this or feeling this? What was happening in my life? Is it because of something someone else said or did? I guarantee you that almost every single time you will find these beliefs did not start with you. They came from someone else. Everything we are came from someone else – we are taught to talk, walk, dress ourselves, read, write, play sports, everything we do we learned from someone else. Why would what we think and feel be different? We are not born thinking we are stupid or fat or worthless – those things are supplied by others and we supply the belief that they are true and they are always about us.

It’s never about you.

Until next time,
Deborah

I am currently accepting new clients for counseling (girls and women). If you would like to schedule a FREE Initial consultation please call 406-413-9904 or email mindfulmontanawellness@gmail.com