When we examine anything in our lives, we must start at the beginning.

Our patterns of behavior, as well as our beliefs about ourselves, are formed at very early ages in our lives. Most are created from birth to age 7 by the actions and words (or inactions and lack of words) of our parents, guardians, caregivers, and teachers.

These are the years in which we learn our patterns of behavior in response to what others are teaching us about ourselves and when we form our beliefs about who we are in response to those teachings.

Our patterns in relationships are also formed during these times. Our attachments or lack thereof. Our value and seeking value in relationships. Our search to have our needs met that the people in our lives may not be meeting. Resulting in our relationships being healthy, beneficial, and supportive or unhealthy, toxic, and lacking any support.

Our beginnings direct our footsteps as we go forward. If we have been taught that the only way we can have relationships is in an unhealthy way, we will continually repeat that pattern throughout our lives. We will also constantly wonder why we keep becoming involved with the same kinds of people with the same kinds of results.

To begin to find our way to healthier relationships, we must examine what we were taught and how we responded at very early ages. We must accept that our responses now are an ongoing response for trauma (emotional, physical, sexual) that occurred when we were very young that we have never fully acknowledged and processed.

Until we do this, we cannot hope to have differences in our relationship patterns now. Our choices, our responses are directed by those encoded patterns that have now become “normal” and never questioned. We have come to believe “it is just who we are.”

In reality, it is just who we were taught to be by others.

Truly examining these patterns tracing our lives back to when the beliefs and responses started, we can then start to acknowledge, confront, and replace with a new way of being. We must learn to love ourselves. Believe that we have value and that we deserve healthy relationships, even with ourselves.

We must work to replace negative beliefs and thoughts that have been a part of our lives for years. This is not an easy task nor is it a quick one. It takes a long time to replace years of “conditioning” and begin to think and believe differently.

Most often, the first step is to learn to love ourselves. And this is also often the most difficult due to the years of being told and shown that we have no value, we are not lovable, we are the problem. We believe it and it is then presented as truth in our brains.

Where did your patterns begin? How did your beliefs start? What events or people shaped your thoughts about yourself? You were not born in these ways, they were created and taught.

Once we truly have those answers, we can begin to pursue change. And that progressive, step by step movement can fundamentally change our lives for the better.

Until you heal your past, your life patterns and relationships will continue to be the same it’s just the faces that change.

Until next time be well,

Deborah