mindful montana wellness counseling

Deborah Horton

Learning Resilience

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Resilience is defined as the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties or toughness. Some people feel that others they see who are able to get through hard times seemingly easily are just born that way. I think resilience is a learned or a conditioned behavior response and I think that everyone can learn resilience if they invest in the process. People can seem to be resilient who are still living with the effects of their past trauma, but most are addicted to control and reacting in their long held trauma patterns.

The first thing on the path to resilience is processing past trauma. Until the past is addressed and the reactions to that trauma are processed and understood, it is very difficult to break the response patterns that are a result of unprocessed trauma. These patterns lead to negative thinking patterns, fear of failure, being in a constant state of fight or flight, and any of the hundreds of conditioned beliefs that have formed in our brains as a result of this trauma. Therapy is the road to being free of those things.

While in therapy, you will hopefully learn how to recognize negative beliefs and thought patterns. One of the greatest barriers to resilience is any belief that prevents you from knowing you can go through hard times and come out stronger on the other side.

In order to be resilient in the face of hard times, we must be able to form a positive thought process about the current situation to confront it without fear and/or having it polluted with our past trauma responses. We must also be able to have positive thought processes to disable catastrophic thinking patterns. We have to believe that we can overcome the hard times without fear and trauma responses and that we will be okay in the future.

Learning resilience after we have processed our trauma allows us to be able to choose our responses and maintain perspective. When we are living in our trauma response brains, we can find it almost impossible to choose our responses to any situation. We can know logically absolutely what we should do or say or how we should act, but the trauma response brain is powered by emotions. These emotions overpower our logic and cause us to respond out of fear. Fear, being the strongest emotion in the world, causes us to lose all perspective in situations where we need to make a different response.

To keep building resilience we have to be able to learn from our mistakes and failures. In everything there are lessons to be learned if we can maintain our perspective and keep our thoughts out of the trauma negative zones. All life is a lesson. When we are living in our trauma response brains, the lessons of our experiences tend to be overlooked while we are in states of fear, fight or flight, or freeze. The lessons are also overlooked in negative thinking patterns of how the mistakes are our fault or that we are always failures, which is again a product of the trauma responses. Learning the lessons of failure and mistakes can make us much stronger going forward and can also teach us what we no longer want to repeat.

Be aware of your thoughts. Practice thought awareness. Meditation is a great way to practice thought awareness. It is also a great way to practice having those thoughts come and go instead of taking up root. Meditation can also be used as thought replacement practice. Our thoughts become our beliefs become our behaviors.

Resilience can be learned. We can all choose our responses, choose what we think and believe, and choose to maintain perspective. Each choice makes us stronger and more able to withstand hard times. Cultivate resilience.

Until next time be well,

Deborah

Deborah Horton

Falling Away

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Fall always reminds me of the work I do with clients in therapy. They come to me as trees full of leaves. Heavy and weighed down. They are all searching for a way to release some of this long carried weight. Letting those leaves they have carried for so long fall away.

For a good portion of their lives they have carried these leaves representing the baggage of their past everywhere they go. Into every decision, response, relationship the leaves go with them. The weight is heavy and at times overwhelming but they cannot seem to rid themselves of these ever clinging traumas.

When clients come to therapy, they talk about how these leaves cling to them and nourish the fears, anger, sadness, and negative thoughts that grow and blossom each day. The leaves continue to feed their ever growing tree of trauma. They have become used to the weight. They are accustomed to how they look when the leaves are full and on display for all to see. They are comfortable with how it envelopes them mind and body.

But it is so heavy. It is so hard to carry on with daily life when weighed down by depression, anxiety, anger, judgment, and fear. Every action, every decision becomes just that much harder. There seems to be no escape no matter how much they may want to let their leaves go. The negative thoughts keep the leaves bound to them.

As they work through these traumas and begin to acknowledge them for what they are and where they started, the leaves start to drop off. At first, maybe it is just one small leaf. The process moves slowly. The leaves start to lose energy, change, and have less power to hold on to them. The leaves become less nourished and start to wither.

As more work is done and more understanding is gained, the leaves lose their vibrancy and turn darker and become less noticeable. They have far less power over responses and actions. The thoughts become quieter and less invasive. They start to realize they no longer need this heavy covering of weight. And they start to fall off slowly, slowly.

The traumas fall away becoming only remnants of their former selves. Yes, they were there and happened, but their power over them is lost. They can be let go. They are no longer needed. They no longer need to fear them.

The leaves drop off becoming dead, crunchy and returning to the soil in which they were made to be reborn in spring as new life. Traumas falling away being absorbed back into the universe and becoming the catalyst of change for them. The leaves they regrow as they change are lighter, beautiful, and nourishing to new life. To their new life.

This is hard work. Shedding old life to birth new. It requires great energy and constant attention. It requires releasing that which is no longer needed in favor of that which renews.

This is how I see therapy, good therapy in which the client is invested in change and willing to do the work required. The falling away of all that has weighed them down body, mind and spirit and the investment in growing that which is uplifting, empowering, and transforming.

Until next time be well,

Deborah

Deborah Horton

Start Saying No

Photo by Isaiah Rustad on Unsplash

I have written about boundaries many times over the years. I believe that the inability to hold boundaries in all aspects of life is the main reason people with trauma continue to suffer.

The inability to say no to people and things brings repeated suffering and increased trauma responses. Every time a client tells me they cannot say no, they always include all the reasons for justifying this inability. Every one of these reasons stems from past trauma. Every single time.

Someone cannot say no to a toxic family relationship. Something that causes them great anxiety, frustration, and even anger they cannot say no. They continue to participate in it even if it is just peripherally, they are still letting it affect their lives. They can rant and vent at length about how this affects them, but when asked why they do not eliminate this from their lives the excuses pour forth.

A family member will be angry with them and ask why they do not care about the family. A family member will be sad that they are not including themselves in the family. A family member will threaten not to speak to them again if they put up a boundary. A family member will feel they do not love them if they do not engage. And on and on and on it goes.

Justification to continue suffering. Justification to continue reliving trauma. Justification for accepting they will be anxious, sad, angry every day because it.

All because they cannot say no more.

Someone cannot extricate themselves from a toxic romantic relationship. Something that makes them feel unvalued and worthless. Something that makes them blame themselves and resort to codependence to keep the relationship going. Something that allows them to never have their emotional needs met. They tell the same stories constantly about how they are treated and how badly it makes them feel, but they cannot say no.

The excuses are always the same. I am afraid to be alone. I have children with this person. I share finances with this person. What will I do if they are out of my life? And the trauma response, the way they treat me is my fault. I am causing the issues. And on and on and on.

All of this is developed out of past trauma and ongoing trauma. And of course fear is at the root of all inability to say no. They continue to be traumatized and internalize all the negative things they care conditioned to believe.

All the unresolved trauma blends with all the newly inflicted trauma until there is nothing but negative thinking and fear left. The inability to say no is a prison.

The only way to be free of suffering in all aspects of life is to start saying no.

Start with one thing. Say no more and stand firm. It will be difficult, very difficult. There will be backlash, always. Other people do not like being told no. Especially if you have not said no before. They expect that you will always say yes. When you say no, a tantrum will ensue based on THEIR feelings not what you have done. Their response is NEVER about you. It is about them.

Let them throw their fit and move on. If they truly care for you they will get past their feelings and have a relationship with you. If they do not truly care for you, they will not. They will make you feel guilty, make you feel scared, and make you feel sad. They will try every manipulative button they have ever used on you to get you to continue to say yes to try and break you down and make you give up your boundaries.

Those people do not love you. They will never love you. They will never value you. They will never respect any decision you make. Ever.

Conquer your fear. Talk back to your negative conditioned beliefs. Recognize your worth for yourself. Start saying no.

Freedom is not the ability to say yes. It is ability to say no.

Until next time be well,

Deborah

Deborah Horton

Believe In Yourself

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Lately, I have felt that a lot of my clients were struggling with self confidence and believing in themselves. Not only in processing their traumas and issues, but in their daily lives and work. I thought it might be a good time for a little bit of confidence boosting quotes post.

Speak confidence to yourself. Speak love to yourself. Speak belief in yourself.

Talk back to negative thoughts. Talk back to negative beliefs.

Replace all negative words with positive words, every single time.

Place boundaries against those who disrupt your self confidence and belief in yourself.

Let go of the past – all of the past. Live in the present moment.

Let go of fear.

Manifest your confident self through your words, thoughts, and actions every moment of every day.

Deborah Horton

Looks Can Be Deceiving

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Do you ever look at other people and think they look like their life is perfect? When people are smiling do you assume they are happy in general? If someone has a job where they make a decent living do you assume they have no real worries? If someone has a nice newer car do you assume their life must also be nice?

Assumptions are a dangerous thing and almost always incorrect. Most people have something in their lives that they are going through, dealing with, struggling with. Most people have had trauma of some kind in their lives. Remember, trauma does not mean everyone has been abused. Trauma is personal and its impact is personal.

Death and divorce can be very traumatic experiences. A much broader acceptance of trauma is needed to understand that most people have had trauma of some kind and that their trauma may be impacting them in negative ways every day whether you know it or not.

When we see people who we believe are living a great life or an easy life and we dismiss what might lie beneath, we can assume that they are fine emotionally. They may look fine on the outside. Good job, nice clothes, newer car and smiles, but what you do not see can be weighing them down.

Battles are fought every day by most people. Battles with the past, present and future. Battles with others and with themselves. Almost everyone faces daily struggles of some kind.

For some the struggles are related to physical health, which is also not always visible to the outside observer. For others the struggles are related to providing for daily needs such as housing, food, clothing and safety. Many struggle with mental health issues, which are almost always hidden from others and especially from strangers. It is the what you cannot see that are sometimes the heaviest burdens.

When we assume others have no problems or that others problems are so much smaller than what we are dealing with, we can be judgmental and unkind. We can have no grace or patience with others. We can dismiss others with our looks and words. We assume and move on to our problems.

There are those who would say that someone’s issues are not a reason for them to be frustrated, rude, angry or a multitude of other emotions towards others. What a perfect world that would be if it were possible, but it is not, we are all human and in moments of stress most find it very hard to be aware, present, and appropriately responsive.

There are plenty of old sayings about judging something on how it appears and all of them are true. What we see is very definitely not all there is to see or know.

We cannot control how other people respond to their own struggles, but we can control how we respond back to them. We can pause, reflect, and have grace and understanding. A kind gesture or word can offer someone the space to process their own struggle a little more easily.

Remember, we are struggling with something. Do not assume from first glances. Be kind. It could change everything for someone including yourself.

Until next time be well,

Deborah

Deborah Horton

The Addiction Train

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Addiction is much like a train. Many different things can be addiction and these are the cars of the train. Traveling on tracks in a one direction kind of way. And the cars can be added to and even stacked one on top of the other much like multiple addictions can be. A loaded and very large train can be extremely hard to stop and if it crashes it is a catastrophic mess. Just like addictions.

Anything can be an addiction. Absolutely anything. If there is something that we have to do, feel compelled to do, feel sick, sad, angry or a multitude of other emotions if we do not do it and it is required repeatedly to make us “feel” better, it is an addiction. If there is anything that we can NOT do, it is an addiction.

Some addictions are very harmful and others maybe not as much, but they are both addictions nevertheless. Most addictions are done to avoid things we find emotionally painful. All addictions release chemicals into the brain that can make us think we “feel” better. They can be very good at covering up painful things. For a while. Then as time goes on more and more of the addictive material is needed to gain the same feel good feelings. And when that does not work any longer, we must find a substitute addiction that works better.

Coffee is an addiction for many including myself. I have it every day. If I go without it for a day I get debilitating headaches from caffeine withdrawal. I like the taste of coffee a lot. I am pretty much immune now to the caffeine as in coffee will not keep me awake. But my body is very much addicted to the caffeine.

Addiction can be anything. Electronics are the addiction of choice for many now. Computers, phones, tablets, television, video games and more are fast becoming an addiction for many. People can spend hours every day watching funny cat videos on YouTube or TikTok. Spending and buying can be an addiction. Retail therapy is a very real thing. We feel better when we get something we want. Eating can be an addiction. Food can be very comforting in times of pain. Sex can be an addiction. Cutting or self-harm can be an addiction. The release of pain while cutting releases the feel good chemicals into our brains. To get more and more of this feeling we must cut more and more. Substances can be an addiction including cannabis. While cannabis does not have the same chemical/physical addictive properties of alcohol or other drugs, it is very psychologically addictive. Gambling can be an addiction.

Anything can be an addiction.

Addiction can be very hard to stop. First, we have to want to stop. This can be very difficult because our bodies and brains are addicted to the chemicals that are released when we participate in our addiction. It can also be difficult because we know to stop the addiction we have to acknowledge the pain of whatever we are trying not to face by continuing the addiction. If we have been addicted for a long time, it is not an easy road to stopping. It takes time. There will be relapses. And it is an ongoing process of addressing the reasons we sought the addictive thing in the first place and making daily decisions to avoid going back to it when things get difficult in the processing.

Working with an addiction counselor can be a good place to start if you are ready to change. Participating in groups or having someone to whom you are accountable can help along with apps that can also help you track your successes and support your progress such as Calm Harm for cutting, Pear reSet for substance use, rTribe for porn/drug/food addictions. There are many others that are also available for download for a huge variety of addictions.

Quitting an addiction is not an easy task and the road can be long and difficult. The first step is wanting to change and being willing to start the journey. Take an inventory of your life right now, is there something (or more than one) that you feel you are addicted to and can NOT stop doing and feel compelled to do in order to feel better or avoid trauma and pain. Be honest with yourself. And if you feel you cannot objectively look at your life ask someone who you trust and know will be absolutely honest with you.

Then it is up to you to make the decision to start on the path to recovery and change.

Until next time be well,

Deborah

Deborah Horton

Still Not Normal

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So many of my clients and myself as well had high hopes at the beginning of summer this year that the fall would bring much needed normalcy to school going and to life. We have, once again, been bitterly disappointed.

Cases here were fairly minimal at the beginning of summer. We had no mandates of any kind here. People were free to get out and enjoy their summer. And enjoy it they did in record numbers to our state parks and festivals.

The cases did not start to increase with this newfound freedom. Most people were outside with distance and likely not spreading the virus as much. Only about half the population of my state is fully vaccinated. We are very rural in so much of the state and have very few people who live here only one million people in the entire state.

The cases started to creep up very slowly as summer went on. As we got closer to the start of the school year, they started creeping up even more. We now average as of this writing about 350 cases a day in the entire state that are new. We have very low death numbers in the single digits most days and our hospitalizations are about 200 with COCVID for the entire state currently.

The public school districts in the bigger towns and cities and by bigger I mean more than 25,000 people, have implemented masking all day in schools. Last year at the end of the year there were no mask mandates here. Sporting events are having limited spectators, two per athlete. No assemblies at the schools. Those not wearing masks, students and teachers are not being allowed in schools where there are mandates. In smaller communities there are no mandates here.

There will be no school dances, no homecoming parades, and if athletes have a rise in the number of cases there will be no sports. If this goes on into next year there will be no prom, no graduation in person and on and on it goes.

My school age clients are suffering emotionally from the constant loss of normalcy in their lives. Things that those who will graduate this school year have worked 12 years to be able to do and experience. School constantly being disrupted with quarantining and education that is constantly interrupted making learning and retention very difficult. Plus all the social disruptions.

It is very hard to help clients work through this as it is not something they can have control over this loss of normalcy. It is what it is. So we try and work through the emotional parts of it working on acceptance of what is and letting go of things we cannot control and will not be able to have.

I see anger, frustration, sadness, and grief. Lots and lots of grief. And for grief there is nothing but going through the process that continues to be present day after day after day. There seems to be no moving on from it because it just keeps coming in waves and waves.

Unfortunately, this is not a blog about how one can manage this lack of normalcy. It is about how we just keep going. Acceptance, letting go, and keeping on walking. Grief in an ongoing process just keep walking.

No situation ever stays the same. Change is constant.

And we have to hope that one day this too will change for the better and normal can come back to our lives once more.

Until next time be well, Deborah

Deborah Horton

Laugh Out Loud

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Laughter is the best medicine.

Humor has a magical way of getting humans through some of the most dire times in their lives. A little humor can go a long way towards alleviating anxiety, sadness, fear, and grief that we may feel.

Sometimes, finding the humor in a particularly dreadful situation can stop our downfall into the rabbit holes of despair. A little humor can lift us up if only for a short time providing a brief respite from whatever trial we are suffering at the moment.

Laughter releases chemicals into the brain and there are many therapeutic benefits of laughter on mental health. Laughter swaps cortisol in our system with oxytocin, dopamine, and endorphins. Cortisol is the chemical created when we are under stress. Definitely not the good feeling chemicals that laughter produces.

Dopamine can enhance learning, motivation, and attention. It also increases happiness through the motivation and reward cycle of releasing feel good hormones into the brain and body. Laugh at something or with someone and your brain and body is rewarded with feeling good, happy, motivated and attentive.

Oxytocin is the “empathy hormone” or a bonding chemical. It creates feelings of relatedness or connectedness in the bloodstream. It brings us closer to others. Laughter does the same thing. It connects us with others through shared experiences of things that we find funny together. Successful marriages are often filled with shared humor, which brings people closer together.

Endorphins trigger feelings of pleasure. Endorphins can increase immune functioning, relieve stress, improve cardiovascular health, reduce anxiety, make one feel safer, and improve mood.

Laughter can also work to cause the limbic system to reappraise feelings of fight or flight. It can also if used before some expected experience of pain say getting a shot it can increase our ability to tolerate pain. Laughter is a reset button of sorts. In moments of sadness, anxiety, or fear we can laugh, really laugh and the brain relaxes its response.

The best laughter that releases the most good chemicals is the good old belly laugh. Ones where you are crying tears of happiness, your face hurts, and your belly muscles get a workout. It’s like a super shot of happiness espresso to your brain and body.

Laughing with others is a lot easier especially when the other person provides something to laugh about. But what about when you are alone and need a good chemical pick me up? What makes you laugh? Really laugh? Is it movies, TV shows, funny videos? Use what makes you laugh if you need a pick me up and laugh away all by yourself!

Lough out loud. By yourself or with others. Most people when they see or hear other people laughing they laugh too, it’s the same with smiles. Laughter is contagious and very, very good medicine.

Find your funny often. The benefits for your brain and body are tremendous and the affects it can have on your mental heath are amazing.

Laugh out loud – a lot.

Until next time be well,

Deborah

Deborah Horton

Stop Saying Sorry

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Are you an over-apologizer?

Do you say you are sorry constantly? For everything. Not just when you have actually done something wrong but when someone just makes you feel like you have?

Someone makes a comment about something you say or do or wear and you apologize for it as if it is some offense you have caused by being yourself. As if the things you enjoy are somehow wrong because the other person does not like them or makes fun of them.

Let’s say your significant other states that they would like some space in the relationship and you say sorry as if you have caused this distress. They are the one that made the request and you took it as your responsibility.

Usually when someone has an over-apologizer trait they have some conditioned belief that they are the cause of other people’s distress or unhappiness. Usually learned in early childhood when a primary caregiver makes them feel that they are in some ways wrong.

Many times this is reinforced in school by peers who tease and bully and even those who we call friends and are in relationships with can make us feel that our choices are wrong we should be ashamed of them. In doing so, we become ashamed of ourselves and have no confidence in what we enjoy or look like.

Differences are more than okay they are necessary for a diverse society. If you want to change your hair every week do it. If you want to wear cosplay to school do it. If you want to listen to KPop do it. If someone is talking about how they feel do not take responsibility for it.

Instead of saying sorry, say thank you or some other positive response. If someone tells you they do not like KPop while you are listening to it, say I find it fun and entertaining. If someone makes fun of what you are wearing, say thank you for noticing my outfit I think it looks fantastic. If someone talks about your hair and/or makeup say thank you for noticing I love trying new things it makes me happy.

If you are late say thank you for waiting for me. If you are trying to explain something to someone and feel like you are not making sense say thank you for listening to me not sorry I sound so crazy. If you need to ask for help do not say sorry I am so bad at this say thank you for helping me today.

Do not pile more negatives on yourself. Do not apologize for who you are and what you like.

Turn your negatives into positives and carry on being yourself and be bold in it. Stop saying sorry.

Deborah Horton

Red Flag Warning

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People will always show you who they are. The problem is that we do not always heed the warnings.

Red flags never fail to present themselves. People may think they are able to hide who they really are, but it really is not possible. Who people are is so ingrained in their being that it will always show in some way to others.

Some warnings are subtle and are far easier to miss. Especially if we are not paying attention. Some are giant and waving right in our faces and we see them. These red flags we choose to ignore.

Why would we do that? Ignore warning signs about people? In my experience, it is almost always done through a trauma response that has left an internalized belief in our brains.

For example, someone shows you a red flag of not respecting boundaries. But due to a trauma response that makes us believe we are supposed to keep the peace or make other people happy, we allow them to cross those boundaries and every one that follows.

What if someone shows you a red flag of threatening to leave all the time if they do not get what they want. But due to a trauma response that makes us believe if they leave we will always be alone and no one else will love us, we stay in the relationship doing anything they want just so they will stay also.

If someone shows you a red flag of substance abuse ONCE. But due to a trauma response of codependence from childhood trauma with the same experiences, we stay so that we can take care of them and make sure they do not die. And they do it again and again and again and we feel we cannot leave because they might die and we would be responsible.

If someone shows you a red flag of abuse (physical, mental, verbal, sexual) ONCE. But due to a trauma response from past abuse that makes us believe we are responsible and that it is our fault, we accept that we deserve it and we do not leave or seek help and they do it again and again.

Red flags can also be more subtle such as gaslighting, manipulation, poor anger management, controlling ways, and focusing on themselves. These are sometimes harder to spot when they first start to appear, but they are still red flags and are noticeable if we are paying attention.

And herein lies the problem. Because of our trauma responses, we can start new relationships in this response space and are unable to see what is in front of us due to what is inside of us. Our internalized beliefs that are based in our own unresolved trauma can blind us to the truth. They can make it where we unable to recognize it and also unable to accept it and let go of the relationship immediately.

We can go months and years without acknowledging what is right in front of us. Even if other people see it and point it out to us over and over, we will still deny and refuse to really look at what is happening to us. Our trauma prevents it. And sometimes even when we do start processing why we stay in bad relationships, the fear of leaving still keeps us trapped.

I believe that most people sense red flags from the very beginning and they just move past them. If only we could ask ourselves questions about these sensations we might avoid a lot of hurt and trauma later.